Strength (I Am)

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I am now strong, because at one time I had to be.

I held her hand as she was dying.  Now death can’t strike fear in me.

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I am capable of loving, because I’ve lost what I had.

I have said goodbye, shed tears, been sad.

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I can experience pleasure, because I’ve known pain.

I fought my demons, came out ahead – and sane.

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I can turn my cheek, because I’ve been pushed around.

With each of life’s blows – myself is what I found.

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I have been tested by Life and have seen the face of Death.

I am now who I need to be in life, with each single breath.

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Thank You

Thank you for the laughter and love.

Thank you for the joy and memories.

You had to go,

but you are still inside me.

I try not to be sad,

or let myself continue to cry.

You wouldn’t want me to see me that way –

That I can’t deny.

You were willing to always give of yourself.

You gave so many so much.

I miss your kind gentle voice,

I miss your loving touch.

Thank you for helping me to understand –

even in your last days.

That life is meant to be lived -

and I will honor you that way.

Heaven

Heaven took the Heaven from my life.

I watched you suffer – In sorrow, I watched you die.

No longer will I hear your words, nor see your pretty face.

I am left alone, in this world to linger, til my end of days.

I hope the angels realize just how lucky they are;

For in their sky, burns my shining star.

‘Tis a moment of truth, I suppose -

Heaven may have you, but I won’t let go.

Roses

I have two beautiful roses –

one pink and one red.

They sit in the clear blue vase –

one alive, one half-dead.

Their petals are so delicate -

beautiful and so frail.

The red is so deep –

the pink, is so pale.

They cause a flurry -

emotions in me run wild.

Memories come flooding –

making me a child.

Years and years, of love and grace -

brought me now, to this place.

I will cherish them forever -

the roses given to me yesterday.

I will forever remember your life -

in the flowers from your grave.

Her Passing

I haven’t posted in a few days, because my granny passed Saturday night.  It has been rough, but I have been coping.  I am trying to remember and celebrate her life, but cope and be as strong as I can.  I’ve dreamt of her every night since her passing.  I will miss her, but I know that she is out of her suffering and pain.  I held her hand while she passed and I got to say my goodbyes.  I know that in time the wounds will heal.  I will always remember her – her memory will be forever in my heart.

It Hurts

I can’t sleep.  I awoke an hour ago from sleeping, and planned to go back to sleep after drinking some soda, but now it seems that I won’t be able to.  I was feeling better for a while last night, but this morning the reality of everything hit me so hard.  I feel so nauseated.  I am planning on visiting my grandmother at the Hospice today.  I was thinking about how the people there said that she can probably still hear people talking to her.  I was thinking of what I want to tell her today.  I know this could very well be the last time we communicate – the last time  I will see her alive.  She is expected to go anytime now and it’s pins and needles as that moment approaches.  As the words came into my head, what I will say to her, my goodbye to her – a sickness and dread overcame me.  I have never lost a close loved one, and have never watched anyone die, especially so hard in her case.  I know that some people can’t even partake in the final stages of death of a loved one, that they just can’t emotionally take it.  But saying goodbye to her, even being there when she draws her last breath, is something that I need to do.  She has spent her life making so many sacrifices for her family, helping any of us at anytime we were in need.  She was there when I came into this world, and loved me so much already.  I want to be there when she goes on her journey into the next life.  Mid-sentence, last sentence I typed, I broke down and cried – something I so badly needed to do.  I think, more than anything, I am crying because I know that her life has already ended.  There may be air in her lungs, that her body is forcing her to gasp for, but there will never be anymore real life.  She is mentally disconnected from this world.  I hope that she can hear my words today, and feel my touch.  It will be a huge challenge for me, but it is something that I have to do.  As I type this, I can hear her thanking me for everything, as she did so much.  My heart is breaking.  I will remember the good times, I will look back with tears and laughter, and I will honor her memory.

Eternal

It can’t be all taken away -

Death, you didn’t think it through.

You can’t steal love,

and memories are eternal too.

I will see her face in every crowd,

hear her voice in every song.

You thought you had it all worked out,

but Death, you couldn’t have been more wrong.

I will honor her memory,

though we must part.

You may take away her breath,

but she will live eternal in my heart.

Grief-Stricken

I have been wanting to write this all weekend, but haven’t been able to… I will try to now.  This past Friday, I went to the doctor with my grandparents and my great-grandmother, like I have been doing since I changed doctors.  My great-grandmother has lung cancer and chemo doesn’t work for her.  I have known this for months now, but she has had some really good days that gave me hope.  For a while, her cancer hadn’t spread at all.  She told the doctor about this pain she has been having in her side, on her ribcage.  He told her that he would do an X-Ray – that either she had broken a rib or the cancer had spread to her bones.  He said this with much regret and hung his head low.  Our doctor is a very caring man, and I am grateful for the care that he gives us.  After looking at her X-Ray, he informed us that her cancer has spread.  He suggested Hospice to my grandmother, so that my great-gradmother’s pain can be managed.  He also informed us that her time is short, hugged her and told her that he loves her.  She told my family not to be sad, but to be glad that she won’t be in pain, because none of us know how she feels and that she wants to die.  We were eating at a diner at this point and I burst into tears right there.  I told her that we would miss her so much.  My family is very close-knit.  We are always there for one another, in all ways.  The thought of losing my great-grandmother is taking a very painful toll onto us all.  This weekend, I have been crying on and off and feel like a huge cloud of gloom and dread is hanging over my head.  I read a quote that says “Worry doesn’t make tomorrow less painful but takes the joy out of today.”  I can see where that is true, and I do want to spend joyous moments with her until it is her time to go.  But that being said, it is utterly impossible for me not to worry and grieve, because it’s near and it’s inevitable.